Why My Wife Is a Strong Woman

My wife has put up with a lot in her life.  Some before I met her and a lot since.  My twisted sense of humor is one of the things she has had to endure .Today is a good example.  With Malry turning eighteen and becoming a legal adult, there are certain things that Heather and I must do to make sure that we can take care of him.  One of these things is become his legal guardians.  To become his legal guardians we have to utilize the services of an attorney.  We had an appointment today to meet with our attorneys and do some paperwork with them.  We were in the conference room at the attorney's office and I had to go out to the car for something.  Heather asked me as I was leaving the conference room if I would bring her cup of water back in with me.  As I was going past the receptionists I said " Sure, honey. I'm here to serve you!" and smiled. The receptionists didn't seem to hear me or didn't care what I was saying. I did what I needed to in the car and went back in to the conference room, forgetting Heather's water.  When I realized I had forgotten it I looked at Heather and she just grinned and asked that I go back out and get it.  As if she was asking me to hike the Appalachian Trail to get her some mountain spring water, I reluctantly agreed. As I reentered the lobby I had a sad look on my face and was shaking my head, making sure the receptionists saw and heard me. I said" GOD! It is tough being married to an alcoholic! She has to have her vodka RIGHT NOW!".  The receptionists had looks on their faces like I had flashed them.  They were dumbfounded. I think I actually heard one of their jaws hit their keyboard. It was priceless. When I got in the conference room and told Heather and the attorneys what I had said I was physically assaulted and applauded at the same time.  I'll let the reader decide which person they think was the assaulter.  Anyway, Heather I love you, girl for putting up with my Shenanigans and smiling through it all.

Simple Folk.

I have never considered myself a very intellectual person.  Over the forty years I've been around, I have met people I have considered simple. I didn't really ever look down on them but I thought that they were missing something. As I have gotten older I have come to realize that maybe they are the fortunate ones. A simple person may not be highly educated.  They may have very basic taste in clothes.  They may have an old car. They may live in a modest house. But I have found that what they lack in possessions and complicated personality they make up for in character. These are the people that if  you needed the shirt off their back they would give it to you.  They do not trouble themselves with the trappings of modern, status-driven life. This gives them the enviable position of being able to concentrate on what is important in life. The people, the stories and the connections they make on their journey from cradle to grave. They see people for who they are and not what they own. They truly appreciate the simple pleasures in life. Possessions can be a huge distraction to what is important. I admit that possessions can make things more fun. It just seems to me that as a whole, people, at least in our country, have become so wound up in what we possess that we have lost sight of what we have.

Staring

As a parent of a child in a wheelchair I have been faced with how to handle staring.  Staring can be a pretty intimidating and intrusive act. There are a couple things that determine how I deal with it. Age is one of them. if a small child is looking at someone in a wheelchair, I just accept it as genuine curiosity and let it pass.  Why would you discourage them being curious? If you don't let them learn about differences then they are destined to be afraid of them.

Another way I decide how to address the lingering gaze of adults is their expression.  It makes all the difference in the world.  If you are concentrating on my son and you have a smile on your face, it puts me at ease. I have had a saying since Malry was a baby, "If you are going to stare, at least smile." A smile lets me know that you are admiring him and watching him for good reasons. If your expression is not friendly or it is a look of contempt or aggravation, I will deal with you in a completely different manner. We were once in a restaurant and Malry was very young. He may have been three years old.  He did not have a wheelchair yet and could sit in the highchairs the restaurant had.  He tended to make a good bit of noise when he ate. This was before he was tube-fed and so he tended to make a bit of a mess as well. A table of people were looking at Malry like he was ruining their meal.  They asked the server to be moved away from us.  Their expression was pure contempt.  We were feeling extremely self-conscious. After they had moved the looks and a few comments continued. I have to note that at this point I became furious and do not remember what happened. The only way I can repeat it is that Heather remembered it vividly. I (apparently) got up from our table and approached them and addressed the male figure who had been the most vocal and suggested that he keep his comments and condescending looks to himself.  If he could not, I would physically escort him to the parking lot where I would proceed to clean that parking lot with his rear end. Heather said my approach was very effective.  I have to assume she is right. Staring for any reason can make the object of that attention very uncomfortable.  Modifying your expression can make a huge difference. Think about that next time you see someone different.

The Very Beginning

Heather and I met in high school. Many of my readers know this. Some may not. We met in World Geography class the second semester of my Junior year. It was Heather's Sophomore year. We talked and cut up some for that semester but nothing really serious.  She talked about her current boyfriend a good bit, who was a Senior, so I didn't really get an encouraging vibe.  She sat right in front of me and had a habit of getting up with her knees in her chair and leaning on her desk to talk to folks in front of her. I'm not sure but this may have been when I became what we men call an a** man. I hate to admit that she had so much influence on my taste in women but now she knows. Anyway, by the end of the year we were pretty good friends and I thought to myself that it wouldn't be too much of a burden to drive to Reynolds (a town about 30 miles away) to pick her up for a date.  But I kept that thought to myself. School came to a close and we parted ways for the summer.

Fast forward to the next Fall.  My senior year. Heather and I wind up in the same World History class.  I was glad to see her but I wasn't ecstatic or anything. She was kinda fun to talk to though. And she did still have that behind I had grown fond of. I had noticed that she and this other guy in class were talking a good bit.  Well, HE was talking and she was half listening and kind of half-rolling her eyes when he wasn't looking. One day after lunch she came up to me with a semi-frantic look on her face and said "If Jack(name changed to protect the poor guy) comes up to you and says anything just play along." I looked at her funny and all I could come up with was..."Huh?" 

"If he comes up to you and says anything about us going out just play along"

"You and him?"

"No. You and me"

"Huh?"

"Jack asked me out Friday night and I used you as an excuse."

At this point I wasn't sure what was going on but I decided to play along. "You said you and I were going out Friday night to keep from going out with him?"

"Yes."

"Don't you have a boyfriend?"

"We broke up this summer."

I'm no honor student or anything but I have enough sense to know that if she was using me to turn down someone, there must be a little something there.  She wouldn't pick another poor schmuck that would make her look bad.  I thought to myself...."Self. This is your chance."

I looked at Heather and said something that would change my life. "Why don't we just make it the truth."

Heather then had the puzzled look. "What do you mean?"

"If we go out Friday night then you wouldn't be lying to him."

I pointed at her and said "You and me Friday night!!"

We have been together ever since that Friday night in 1989.

What's A Good Parent?

What makes a good parent? Is it the ability to make your children happy? Building memories with them that will last a lifetime? I know many parents that spend their time trying to entertain their children. I have fond memories of my childhood.  It isn't because of what my parent bought me. They aren't memories of a large house and nice cars. I think it was just the spirit of the time spent as a family.

I question myself as a parent every day. Is what I am doing the best thing for my boys? I know being Malry's dad is a little more basic. Make sure he's comfortable. Keep him entertained. Make sure he is fed. And most importantly make sure he feels loved. He will be the same as an adult as he was a child. It's sad to me but it is still a fact.

Greggory is another story all together. What I do and what I say have a big effect on him. Every day I try to keep that in mind. Every day the things I do, in some small way, contribute to the man he will grow up to be.   That is a lot of responsibility. It can be overwhelming at times. I want him to be compassionate but not too soft. I want him to have confidence in himself but not be too full of himself. I want him to understand responsibility but not feel it to the point of guilt. I want him to be smart(he is) but not arrogant in his intelligence. Honesty is very important to me. I want it to be very important to him. There is so much I want for him. I fear that all the hopes and dreams I had for Malry have fallen on Greggory and I'm not sure that is fair.

So, what are our duties as parents? In my opinion we owe it to our children to make sure that they become good citizens, good people, good spouses and finally good parents if they choose to be. That means teaching them responsibility for their actions. They have to know that what they do impacts others. They have to know that their actions have consequences. If they learn about consequences then they will put more thought into those actions. That is a hard one to swallow for kids. It's hard to swallow for some adults I know.

Integrity: an adherence to a moral or ethical code. That one is tough to live, much less teach. It encompasses a lot. Honesty would fall under integrity. Being honest is morally and ethically right. You know, now that I think about it...responsibility for your actions would fall under integrity also. Maybe integrity as an idea would be the most valuable thing to teach a child. Maybe it would be a valuable idea for adults to live.  Maybe I'll learn something from this blog too.

Kids learn by example. Am I a good example to my son? I have my doubts. I think I am a good person but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm a good parent. I have to be able to transfer what makes me a good person to my child. If I can give him what makes me good and teach him from my weaknesses maybe he will be a better person than me.  For example: I tend to yell a lot when I get angry. I know it isn't a good thing.  It's one of my weaknesses. When I yell at Greggory I feel bad about it.  But when I'm no longer angry, I try to go talk to him and tell him that Daddy has his flaws and yelling is one of them.  I tell him to learn from my mistakes. I use my weakness as a bad example of what to do. I'm not sure it's the right way to go, but, hey, just like this blog,  this life is a work in progress.

Greggory

Greggory Ashton Allmon was born August 8, 2001. He was 9 weeks premature. He had a fighting weight of 2 Lbs 4 Oz. This boy was tiny. He was covered in a fine hair from head to toe.  He looked like a tiny spider monkey. The nurses said he thought he weighed 8 pounds. He was in NNICU for 5 weeks.  He was never on an IV nor oxygen. He came home at 3 Lbs 12 Oz. With him came a new experience. This was a child that we would get to watch learn to sit up, learn to feed himself, learn to talk and learn to walk. These are things that most parents take for granted.  We saw them like miracles. We saw them for what they are.  When Greggory said Mama for the first time Heather broke down. She was literally on her knees crying. Not many parents react that way to hearing "mama", but  when your seven year old has never said it, the word gains a good bit of weight. This was one of the many things that seemed to have extra significance to us.  Correction: Greggory was on an IV for a day or so and oxygen for 10 minutes after his first bath.  The nurses called it a whisper of O2.

Comments.

Sorry if anyone has tried to comment on the posts. I had not changed the settings from the default.  I thought it was odd that I had over 100 views and not one comment.  I told you I was going to Forest Gump my way through this.

Diapers...

As I was changing Malry this morning, an amusing memory came to mind. It was 2001 and we were expecting our second child. A friend said to us "Ohh you get to change diapers again!". It was not obvious to them that we had never stopped changing diapers.  Malry was almost eight and had been in diapers since he was born.   So, really, we were just adding another butt to change.  The cool part was that this new butt would eventually grow out of diapers.

As I recalled this memory I started thinking about 3 or more diapers a day for 18 years. The number had to be high. So I started doing some figuring.  Malry is 18 years old. He was in Neo Natal ICU for 4 weeks.  We have actually been out of town or he has stayed away for at least 60 days possibly more. I erred on the side of caution. The conservative figure of the number of diapers Heather and I have changed is....drum role please...19,000. Yes, that says nineteen thousand. That is just for Malry. Add another 1,400 for Greggory. and that is also adjusted for time away and a five week stay in NNICU. That, my friends, is a lot of butt-cleaning. Over 20,000 diapers. Who in the hell changes 20,000 diapers? The answer is...we do.

Various Facebook posts

May 10, 2012
Who speaks for the voiceless? Who moves for the immobile? It only takes one person who doesn't care or thinks it's not their job to create a miserable experience for others. Neglect is so easy. I will be my son's voice, his legs and his shoulders as long as I am able. God help you if you get in my way.

May 16, 1012
Graduation is on my mind. Malry just got his first card/gift in the mail and I'm having some mixed emotions. Proud is one of them. Sadness is another strong one. This is when young adults start to gain their independence. Not our Malry. He will be staying with us. He will stay with us as long as we shall live. It's the milestones that trample on your soul the most and leave the darkest bruises.

May 25, 2012
How many times have I rolled my older son out to the school bus over the past twelve years? I'm not certain, but I know the number will stop increasing now. I just took him to the yellow limousine one last time. The weight of that did not hit me until I was half way to the bus. A huge part of Heather's and my daily routine has just taken a turn. Maybe fear and uncertainty are the roots of our emotions. Maybe it's the painful reminder of what Malry could have been and where he could have been headed after high school. Maybe we are just pitiful emotional saps. Maybe it's a little of all of these. I know one thing. Today is not going to be easy. For those of you who will be with us today and tonight...please forgive us. We will not be ourselves. Lord give us Strength.

November 24, 2011
Today and every day of my life, whether I say/show it or not, I am thankful for the roles I fill:
Husband to a wonderful, caring, beautiful and genuine woman. Heather, you are the Yin to my Yang. You fill in my blanks. You are my strength when I need it and the object of my love for life.

Father to the best sons a dad could ask for. Malry, You have been a complicated joy your whole life and you challenge me every day to be a better person and father. You have taught me the roots of fatherhood, what is truly important. Greggory, you have shown me that maybe what I have learned from being Malry's father can be passed on to you. You have a heart and compassion beyond words. You make me proud every day. I am hard on you sometimes but everything I do, I do to ensure you will grow up to be a good person, a good husband and a good father. I hope you know this.

Son to two of the best people I know. You taught me, by example, the fundamentals in life.

Friend to some of some pretty exceptional people. Thanks for being my friends, even when it wasn't easy.

This got a little longer than I had intended.
Happy Thanksgiving!

November 9, 2011

I had to explain to Greggory last night, why Heather and I were so emotional and short tempered lately. First, I had to explain what a milestone is. Then I explained to him that when Malry reaches certain milestones it is bitter-sweet for us. We are proud of what he has accomplished. But, we are also very sad because Malry doesn't have the same future as other boys his age. I explained that when these milestone times come around we are reminded of what could have been and what the reality is; that Malry does not move on like others do. When I was done explaining it to him I was in tears. I looked at him and he was in tears too. This boy loves his brother and I love them both, so much. I'm the luckiest Dad ever.


September 20, 2011

We are finishing up Malry's Dr's appointment and the Dr. gives us a prescription and another paper. The other paper says "FU as needed". I was a little offended and curious until it dawned on me that meant Follow Up as needed. The nurses were amused and said I was the first person to ever mention that it could be interpreted any other way. Imagine that

A couple quotes from Greggory.

May 27, 2010
I'm amazed that an 8 year old can have a heart of a lion. Greggory told us last night that he would take care of Malry after Heather and I were gone. We told him he didn't have to do that. He said " I want to take care of him because I love him". I almost squeezed the child to death. How does someone so young have the compassion he does. I have decided I now have two heores and they are both my sons.

Sitting with Greggory at Burger King eating dinner.
Greggory:"Daddy? Do you know my number one favorite place?"
Me:"Burger King?"
Greggory:"No. With you."
I love this kid

Malry's Birthdays. Bittersweet days.

These are just posts from Malry's past three Birthdays.


July 9, 2009
I'm at Malry's therapy. This little guy will be 15 on Sunday. HE should be getting his learner's permit, not therapy. I should be giving him driving lessons not tube feedings. He should be going on dates not Doctor's appointments. Just venting


July 12, 2009
Today is Malry's 15th Birthday. It seems unreal. Just a couple of years ago Heather and I were young, in college and found out that things were about to change for us. We had no idea how much things were about to change. I guess if we, or anyone else, for that matter, ever had any doubts about us being right for each other, they have been put to rest. But, Malry is the Hero of this fifteen year story. Malry had endured 15 years of surgeries, hospital stays(that if added up would equal a year of his life), seizures, therapies, lab visits and Dr's appointments and done it with the biggest smile on his face. He is My hero. Every person should be as happy as he is. Happy Birthday Malry!!


July 12, 2010
Well, today is Malry's 16th Birthday. It is a day of joy and pain. The joy of a son that has been an inspiration to me and made me a better person. The pain of realizing the young man he could have been. Maybe it is pure selfishness, but I wish I could take him to get his driver's license. I would like to get him a car. It was not in the plan. Happy Birthday Malry. You are and always will be, my hero.


July 12, 2011
Happy Birthday Malry. You have made our lives anything but ordinary over the past 17 years. You have been an inspiration and a blessing. You have made us who we are, good or bad, and continue to do it with the purest smile I've ever seen. I love you. Happy Birthday!

Ever since Malry's 15th Birthday I seem to have a hard time with them. Today is no different. Maybe it's because these are the years a Dad really starts to teach a boy how to be a man. I'm not sure I've taught my elder son anything of value, but I've done my best to show him love. As long as he shows me that awesome smile when he sees me I guess I've done something right.



July 12. 2012
Eighteen years ago today Malry Allmon was brought into this world. We didn't know at the time that he would have many toils and snares to get through. Malry, your life has made our lives better. For 18 years you have given us the gift of clarity. We have seen what many parents cannot. You have made visible the very basics of being a parent. We have never taken the small things for granted. You have been a lesson and a test combined. You are a complicated Joy and the simplest, purest soul. You are my son and I am not worthy of the honor. You humble me. I love you. Happy Birthday.

The situation.

So, I've started this blog and now I have to think of stuff to write.  Just a head's up... I'll have typo's grammatical errors and other issues. Hopefully they wont be so common as to detract from the brilliant things I'll be writing. One of my most frequent errors will be when to start a new

Paragraph. See, now that even made me laugh when I typed it.

Anyway, I'm going to go do a little digging on my social networking pages and pull out some of my more heart-felt posts. I'm going to just throw them in the mix so that I have them all in one place.

The Beginning...

So, after many posts on social networks I have decided to start a blog. I'm not quite sure where to start but the beginning seems logical. At the urging of several people close to me(who will remain nameless just in case the blog is crap) I have decided to do a little writing. Sometimes I feel like expressing myself and putting it in text seems to be therapeutic. Whether anyone reads it or I just get it off my chest, this is it. I'll post a few things from facebook that I was moved by as I wrote them and things that I was moved to write. I'll figure this thing out as I go. If you have read this, thanks. I'll see you again.